How to Cure Boredom
by Super-Saiyan-Pirate-King
Summary: Alone on the lookout, Dende feels bored and forgotten. But an old "arch enemy" returns from hell and gives them all something to worry about. Inspired by a short story written by Derek Landy. COMEDY ONE SHOT. Rated T for language


-Inspired by a short story wirtten by Derek Landy.

* * *

In Dende's look out, the guardian sighed deeply as he leaned back on the chair, feet resting on the desk and the white stick of a lolipop rolling around his lips. He looked over at the library, watched mr Popo pensively flick through a book.

He sighed again, loudly this time, and went back to staring at the ceiling. It was a very adequate ceiling. It did its job, alright. It stayed up there, as a good cieling should. It didn't move around too much. Didn't cause any trouble. Never mugged anyone. Yes, it was a very good ceiling, all in all. The namek looked at the supporting walls. Without them, the ceiling would be nothing. It would just be a floor, without those walls. He wondered if the ceiling ever thought about that.

"God, I'm bored," Dende muttered, removing the stick from his mouth and tossing it in the bin.

"I know," Popo said, not looking up from his book, "You've said so eleven times already."

"Do you ever get so bored that you feel like crying, mr Popo?"

"I can't say I have."

"Well, I kind of feel like that."

"You've said that, too."

"Do you think if I threw a rock off the lookout it would hit Yajirobe?"

"What an odd question, Dende. Why would you want to hurt Yajirobe?"

"No reason. I guess boredom breeds contempt."

"I don't think that's the phrase. Anyway, Dende, I think you should be grateful that there are no present threats to earth at the moment to worry you."

"Yeah, I know, and I am, it's just..." he stood up from the chair absent mindedly and began walking past the books, brushing the spines with his fingers, "Gohan has been very... distracted, since Goku left to train Uub. He never visits any more. I can't imagine how he must be feeling about being just... left behind again."

Popo looked sympathetic, "You're worried about him."

"Of course I am, he's my friend. Piccolo's been even more sullen than usual, I know he's worried about Gohan too. But my point is, no one visits the look out anymore. I'm feeling a little forgotten."

Popo nodded, "And bored."

"_So_ bored."

Popo laughed and patted the guardian on the arm before replacing the book on the shelf.

"Try not to get so caught up in those affairs, Dende. I know it seems a little harsh, but you are the Guardian of Earth. You can't afford to worry about the lives of every human you meet. Kami made that mistake a few times, and he always got himself hurt. Why don't you get some fresh air, and clear your head?"

Dende regarded the genie silently for a moment, nodded, and then turned and made his way to the surface. As soon as he got up there, he'd pick up the biggest rock he could find and hurl it off the look out.

The sun was just beginning to set, spreading rays of gold and painting the sky a calm shade of pink. This was one of his favourite times of day, save for the grey emptiness of the morning. That was when the sky had no clouds, and no definition, and the wind was cold and soft. There were no such times on Namek. Breathing in deeply, Dende stood for a moment and simply watched the sky.

He reflected quietly on his time as Guardian. Of course, Dende had been humbled to have been given the chance to become a Guardian all those years ago. It had allowed him to meet fascinating and powerful beings, and he had learnt more about the universe than he ever thought he could. He'd seen death, and war, and corruption. Were it not for Mr Popo, and his friends, he knew he wouldn't have been able to bear such a heavy responsibility on his own.

But there was some part of him that wished something would happen, just so he could have the chance to see and do something other than stand around and wait. In an effort to shake off the feeling, he went about finding a rock.

As night fell, Dende felt a spike of ki in his antennae behind him. Figuring Piccolo had returned, he ignored the energy and hurled another stone off the side of the look out. The ki level slowly approached him, but the guardian paid no mind.

"Hey, Piccolo," he said, not turning around, "I don't suppose you've got any more rocks on you, do you?"

A low growl answered.

Dende swung around but the intruder struck him right in the temple so hard he thought for a moment his head had come straight off. Dende staggered, seeing stars. Mind swimming and pain blosoming, the young namekian lost his balance and hit the ground, stretched out on the cold tiles, unconscious.

* * *

"Kidnapped?!" Gohan and Piccolo chorused.

Mr Popo had his face in his hands, shaking his head. He was completely beside himself. Though he'd never say it aloud, seeing the usually serene genie in such a wreck made Piccolo a little apprehensive. It definitly wasn't as bad as seeing him angry, though.

"I d-don't know what h-happened," Mr Popo was stammering, "he'd gone up to the roof to think, next thing I know, he's gone. I s-searched the look out a thousand times over. He's really g-gone."

"Do you know who it was that took him, Mr Popo?" Gohan asked, his hand resting on the genie's back. Piccolo wouldn't have thought to do that. Damn it.

"I didn't get a very good it." he said, regaining a little composure, "but he was only a little taller than Dende."

"Was he human?" asked Piccolo.

"No, definitly not human. He, it, was hunched over, with long spindly arms and legs. As soon as it saw me, it flew off with Dende. But, this was left behind. Its a note."

From his waistcoat the genie produced a crinkled white slip of paper, and placed it in Gohan's expectant hand.

"What's it say, kid?"

"It says, _In return for the Guardian of Earth, I request all seven dragonballs. Find me in the abandoned cathedral outside south city. You have until tomorrow morning to hand them over, or the slug dies._"

Gohan looked uncertainly up at Piccolo, who was glaring down at the floor.

"So, I mean, what do we do?" Gohan said after a silence, "We know where Dende's being held now, why don't we just bust in there and save him?"

"My thoughts exactly, only we don't know who we're up against here. It could be anyone holding Dende hostage in that cathedral, they could be extremely dangerous."

* * *

In the shadows of the cathedral, Garlic Jr glowered triumphantly down at his prisoner with the evil smirk he had practiced in front of the mirror for hours. This was his moment. This was his famous day, the day in the life of the great Garlic Jr that would go down in history, the day he kidnapped the Guardian of Earth, and became supreme ruler of the planet. It was sure to be glorious.

Dende was firmly bound to a pillar by his wrists, head resting on his chest. Dried blood caked the side of his face, his inferior green face. At the doors of the cathedral the beast which had kidnapped the guardian slept soundly. Garlic Jr rejoiced in his cunning mind as he drew his cape around his shoulders, in a graceful and swift fashion that only the very villianous such as him could perfect. That he was; a villain, the bad guy, the antago-whatever. With his head held high, he marched over to the guardian.

He cleared his throat, but Dende didn't stir. He cleared it again, louder this time. The guardian shifted, and a light snore excaped him. Good god, was he _asleep_?

"Hey, wake up, slug!" Garlic jr snapped, and Dende jerked awake.

"Who're you callin' slug?" Dende grunted, still evidently half asleep.

Garlic Jr sighed irritably. This wasn't the dramatic opening to his monologue he'd been hoping for, but he replaced that well practiced smirk on his face again and adjusted his cape.

"I'm sure you must be terrified, Guardian," he sneered, "how horrifying it must be to awake in the firm grasp of your worst enemy, Garlic Junior!"

Dende looked at him for a moment, eyes slit and thick brows knitting together, "Worst enemy? You're my worst enemy?"

"Well, yes! of course!"

"I don't even think I've seen you before, though. What's your name again?"

"Garlic Junior," he said, a little deflated.

"Oh, right. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm sure there must be come kind of mistake. You must have confused me with your other worst enemy, as I don't have any and don't plan to make any. So, if you could just untie me, and let me get back to my job, that'd be great."

"Oh, would it?"

Dende nodded, "Yes, it would be very big of you. You'd be the bigger man alright. Metaphorically."

"Silence!" Garlic Jr barked, "You are my prisoner, and I will not be insulted! You see, a long time ago I was defeated by the pitiful earthlings you now protect so dearly. But now, I have risen from the ashes of my shame and defeat, and have returned from the Dead Zone to reclaim what is rightfully mine. That is, the world!"

"Yeah, that's really interesting. Anyway, I don't think you understand the gravity of what you've done by kidnapping me. You've just pissed off _all _the wrong people, junior. They'll be here any moment to kick your ass so hard you'll _wish _you were still trapped in the Dead Zone."

Garlic Jr threw his head back and laughed. "What, you think I don't have a plan? You think me stupid, do you, slug? Look upon that beast, he is one of many under my command."

Dende looked at it. The alien creature was still asleep, but his legs were churning on the stones.

"Awk, he must be chasing something in his dream. My cat does that!"

"Rrr, you don't understand! That beast is what brought you here, slug. It is not to be underestimated, you'll understand once my legion of beasts rip your precious rescuers to shreds!"

"Okay, first of all, stop calling me "slug". Quite frankly, I find it racist. Second, my friends have defeated enemy after enemy, and they just keep winning. Your creepy pets won't give them any trouble."

Garlic Jr chuckled, "We'll see about that, won't we?"

"So, how many of them do you have?" Dende asked to fill the silence. He wanted to keep him talking, which evidently wasn't that hard. He didn't want to risk anything.

"Last time I checked, four,"

Dende glanced at the creature dozing on the floor, "Four? Only four?"

"Yes."

"You think you an defeat the strongest fighters in the world with four beasts?"

"I could defeat the strongest fighters in the world with one beast."

Dende nodded, "Okay."

"You don't understand. These are beasts I have tamed in the dead zone, and brought back with me. They are not all the same as that one, the other three are far worse. They are stronger than you can even begin to comprehend, slug," the little alien then turned and began to walk to the cathedral doors, "I'll be back for you later. I have important matters to attend to."

He raised his hands to the huge doors and left, leaving Dende alone with the sleeping creature. He sighed deeply and focussed on not panicking. Whoever it was that would come for him, he hoped they'd get here soon. He wasn't sure how long he could keep his cool like this.

* * *

Night had fallen when Gohan and Piccolo had decided to move off. Saving Dende was worth risking their lives for, whatever it was they were up against. That cryptic letter gave no real indication of who it could be, but they had no time to work it out. Rescuing the guardian was more important.

When Gohan stepped out of the house, he was wearing his familar orange and blue gi. Piccolo smiled a little. Getting to the cathedral outside of south city undetected was easy enough. There were no enemies patroling the roads leading up to it, nor were there many people out this late at night. It was safe to land.

The old cathedral stood tall and proud on the hill. Its windows were either broken or boarded up, paint chipped off in large chunks. Some of its roof had caved in.

"Creepy," Gohan commented under his breath as they slowly approached the huge gates.

"This place looks like it could be booby-trapped. No one is dumb enough to just allow us to walk in. We should look for anything that could set off an alarm," Piccolo said, and went about studying the gate.

"Maybe its electrified," Gohan said, not making any move to help.

"I doubt it. But its probably rigged to something."

"And opening it could set it off?"

"Probably."

"Or maybe its just a dumb old gate, with no dumb old traps, and some dumb old bastard's got Dende tied up in there. He could be hurt."

Piccolo turned to him, "Anyone who wants the dragon balls won't risk hurting the guardian. I know its not used to what we usually do, but we should try to maintain the element of surprise."

After consideration, Gohan turned and blasted the gate to pieces. When the dust settled, and no alarm sounded, Gohan looked smugly up at the namekian.

"...Shut up," Piccolo grunted.

"I didn't say anything. Now lets get Dende ba-"

Three dark shapes suddenly burst out from behind the building and barrelled towards the z fighters. One was a hulking beast on six legs, one was small and skinny and ran on four. The last had three different heads like a cerebus, was as fast as a bullet and even though he blocked, it hurled Gohan off his feet and tumbling down the road.

Its strength was surprising but it was nothing Gohan hadn't faced before. Its speed was the problem, and accompanied with three lashing heads to defend against, Gohan soon found himself riddled with bite marks. Thinking fast, he zapped behind the creature and fired a ki blast in to the back of its middle head. When the light dimmed, the head had been vapourised. Gohan breathed out in relief as the thing staggered and fell heavily to the ground. With a blast of light, the thing was gone in a cloud of ash.

The saiyan turned to see Piccolo struggling to fend off both of the creatures. He held off the six legged beast with a flurry of ki blasts, sending it spirraling in to the doors of the cathedral. The namekian and the saiyan expected to see it shake off the rubble and attack again, but instead it hid its snubbed snouted face in its two fingers paws and whined.

"Is that thing _crying_?" Gohan asked incredulously.

"I think I hurt its feelings."

"You blasted it in to a wall."

"What, and that wouldn't offend you?"

"...Good point. Where's the other-? Holy crap Piccolo, don't move."

The namekian froze, "What? What? Where is it?"

The creature was clinging for dear life on the back of Piccolo's cape, swinging with the fabric as the namekian strained to see it.

"Get it off me," Piccolo said through gritted teeth, "get it off right now."

"Hang on, I have to take a picture of this."

"_Gohan-"_

"It'll only take a sec, I swear."

"_Gohan_ I swear to _god-"_

"Okay, okay, just slowly take off the cape. I told you that cape looked cheesy, anyway."

"Coming from the Great Saiyaman?" he grunted as he shifted the bulky thing above his head.

"...Shut up."

When the cape came clear, Piccolo then hastily threw it aside like something gross he'd accidently touched. The creature seemed perfectly content to stay there, however, and within seconds had snuggled between the shoulders and fallen asleep. Gohan clamped his hand over his mouth to prevent the laughter escaping as Piccolo angrily turned towards the cathedral.

"That was pretty anticlimactic," Gohan said, snickering beneathe his hand.

"Stop laughing, that was my favourite cape. We're here for Dende, remember?"

"I know, I know. But you have to admit that it's pretty funny."

"I've also got a pretty good idea who the guy that kidnapped Dende is now. There's only one idiot we've ever faced who would have such an ill-concieved plan."

"Who?"

With the force of Piccolo's weight concentrated into his shoulder, the cathedral door fell through on its hinges and hit the ground with a deafening crash. Stepping on to the fallen wood, Piccolo strided easily in to the shadows, followed closely by the young saiyan. The one remaining beast from the dead zone, who had still been sleeping, took one look at the two warriors and scampered away, tail between its gangly legs.

In the corner, Gohan could see the silohuette of the young namekian raise his head in the gloom in his direction, then over at someone he couldn't see.

"Ten seconds," Dende said, "I counted. It took them ten seconds to destroy your oh-so-strong monsters. What was the word you'd used? Infallible?"

"I don't understand!" Garlic jr fumed, "These were creatures from the Dead Zone; their ki levels were enourmous! How could they be beaten so quickly?"

"You were in the Dead Zone a long time," Piccolo growled, "You should've known we would have gotten stronger. Come on, Dende, we're going home."

Garlic threw himself between them, swinging his arms wide, "Not so fast, slug!"

Piccolo's eyes widened, "Slug? Did you just call me slug?"

"Told you it was racist," Dende called.

"My beasts may have failed, but I will not! I am stronger, faster, and smarter than the dragon balls, I can take you down, one by one, and I will become ruler of-"

"Garlic jr," Gohan said, sounding tired, "Just give it up."

The little alien lowered his arms, "I am your worst enemy. I will not be thwarted so easily."

Gohan raised an eyebrow, "Worst enemy? Since when?"

"He's got this idea in his head that he's our worst enemy," Dende shrugged, "I tried to talk him out of it, but he's pretty adament."

"How can I _not_ be your worst enemy?!" Garlic Jr demanded, stomping his feet, "If I'm not, who is?!"

"Well, you're_ an _enemy," Piccolo said slowly, "How would we rank him, Gohan?"

"I think maybe around fifteenth," Gohan said with a thoughtful pause, then he nodded, "Yeah, that sounds fair,"

"Fifteenth?!"

"Well, I think more like tweltfth, but that'd be pushing it."

"Rounding down though, you're definitly in the top ten." Dende added.

"But thats only because the rest of our worst enemies are dead," said Gohan.

"You're just after Pilaf," said Piccolo.

"And right before that nasty judge from _Britain's Got Talent_," said Dende.

Garlic Jr sighed, deflated, and stared down at the floor.

"Don't look so down. It's not the rank that counts, its the villain underneathe," Dende assured, nodding, "Right, guys?"

"Definitly," Piccolo said.

"Absolutely," said Gohan.

For a moment, no one said anything, and then Dende cleared his throat and nodded towards the ropes around his arms and legs. Piccolo brushed past the disheartened Garlic Junior and knelt beside the young namekian.

"Are you hurt?" he asked seriously, positioning his claws under the ropes.

"I just need to get my hands free, and I can heal myself," he said ressuringly, "I'll be fine, Piccolo. Honestly."

Piccolo met the young namek's eyes for a moment, lips tightening, and then he swiftly sliced the ropes apart and they fell around Dende. His wrists were rubbed raw and bleeding, and or the first time, the two warriors realised how tired the guardian looked. Healing himself would likely drain whatever energy he had left.

"Is there nothing I can do to help you?" Piccolo inquired as he carefully lifted Dende in his arms.

Dende thought for a moment. "Punch him in the face for me?"

Piccolo looked over at Gohan, "Kid, you heard the guardian."

"On it."

"Hang on-!" Garlic Jr cried out as he backed away from the saiyan, "I know that, um, we haven't gotten along very well. I understand, though. I kidnapped a defenseless namekian, you have every right to be upset. But now I've learnt the error of my ways, and I think this can be the beginning of an, em, an alliance. What do you say? Huh?"

Gohan stared at him for a moment. Garlic Jr stared back. Gohan's fist lashed out and suddenly the alien spiraled in to the organ, sending loud notes booming in to the air for a moment before he fell face first on the stones. He didn't get up.

"Are you okay, Dende? Did he hurt you?" the saiyan asked as they left the cathedral.

"I'm exhausted and my head hurts, but otherwise I'm fine."

"Popo will be glad to have you back," Piccolo commented, cradling Dende a little tighter in his arms.

"He'll be glad to know something else, too," Dende said.

"What?" asked the two warriors.

Dende paused for a moment, then flashed them a cute, impish grin. "I'm not bored anymore!"


End file.
